My Mom’s Recent Television Cameos
by Avery Monsen and Jory John, 2008
LOST
(EXT. A clearing. BEN LINUS, barely standing, is tied to a tree. JOHN LOCKE paces behind him, holding a pistol. MY MOM sits nearby, leafing through a Pier 1 catalogue. She’s wearing a flower-print sundress.)
LOCKE: Give me one reason I shouldn’t kill you right now.
BEN: You’re not going to kill me because I have information you need. You’re a smart man, John, but these people are going to start asking questions you don’t have any answers to.
MY MOM: Do you boys have sunscreen on? (Pause.)
BEN: You’ve been on this island for a couple months, John. I’ve been here my whole life.
MY MOM: Did you know the sun reflecting off the water can burn you under your chin? I heard that on Regis last week. (Pause.) Fine. Do what you want. There’s a stir-fry in the fridge, if you want any.
24
(EXT. Outside a warehouse containing three stolen nuclear warheads. JACK BAUER crouches in the bushes. He has been up for 19 hours, and it shows. He talks on his cell phone to CHLOE O’BRIAN, back in Counter Terrorist Unit.)
JACK: Chloe, listen to me. CTU has been compromised. You’re the only one I can trust on this one. I need to you upload some schematics to my PDA.
CHLOE: I’d like to help you Jack, but—
JACK: I don’t have time to argue, Chloe, just do it now!
(MY MOM, in another room in CTU, seen in three-way split screen, picks up a phone and starts dialing. Loud beeping.)
JACK: I thought you said this was a secure line, Chloe.
MY MOM: Hello? Is someone there? Beth?
CHLOE: I thought it was secure. Who is this?
MY MOM: Sorry, I was just trying to dial out to my friend Beth. Am I supposed to dial 9 first?
JACK: Chloe, get me those schematics, now!
MY MOM: I’ll just use the other line. (Clicking noises. Pause. Loud beeping. Pause.) Beth?
CHLOE: Get off this line!
MY MOM: (Pause.) Um, may I please speak to Beth?
JACK: Dammit, Chloe!
MY MOM: Beth and I are meeting at the dog park. It’s such a nice day, and at the park, you’re allowed to let the dogs off the leash!
CSI: MIAMI
(INT. Police Station. LT. HORATIO CAINE looks into an interrogation room where the SUSPECT stares coldly through the one-way mirror.)
LT. CAINE: What makes a mind turn out this way? Genetics? School? Society? Or can a maniac like this just… appear? Hey, it’s Miami. (He puts on his sunglasses.) Your guess is as good as mine.
(MY MOM enters the interrogation room, confused. She looks around.)
MY MOM: Oh, hello. (Long pause.) Listen, if I make a quick stir-fry, will you have a little?
(“Won’t Get Fooled Again” blasts in the background, as MY MOM sits down and takes out her knitting.)
